Kites and other Prisonisms

When you have to go through a metal detector and three electrically bolted doors to get to work, you know you're in prison.

I am quickly becoming acquainted with the fascinating culture of the correctional system...and trying not to break any rules I don't know about. Today I got scolded by one of the nurses for telling a patient when her consultation with the GI doctor was scheduled. What I should have told her was that her appointment would be "very soon." (Like that's a satisfying answer to someone who can't even swallow liquids without choking and regurgitating...) Apparently, if the inmates know when their outside appointments are, it could be an escape risk and "you could get fired for that sort of thing." Being a contractor, I didn't get to partake in the month long "academy" that all correctional employees go through. This where they learn the cardinal rules of prison, like not telling inmates when their appointments are, while reading books called Games Prisoners Play. Employees also take a pressure point training class so they can subdue a threatening inmate with a single finger to the Mandibular Angle, or other sensitive areas. (I also saw an email for an "interesting" Spontaneous Knife class...I can only imagine the pearls they pick up there!)

But until I become a real DOC employee, I have to learn my prison survival skills on the fly.

Other prison idiosyncrasies include:
-Officers checking to make sure all the car doors in the parking lot are locked several times a day...otherwise they will lock them for you. Another escape prevention precaution I guess...

-Walking to the clinic in the morning and and hearing "Offender so and so, please report for your 7:30 cosmetology appointment" over the PA. (Need a manicure at a discount at sunrise? There's a cosmetology school in prison, and acrylic nails are very popular among the medical staff.)

-Having to ask permission from an insurance company for every imaging study or specialist consultation...and the answer is usually is no. (I have a template for my appeal letter :)

One of most charming prisonisms is the newly created communication system where inmates write their appointment and refill requests on a small piece of paper called a kite, which the nurses have to log daily. Sometimes I have to review the kites and "kite them back." Have a dental problem? Better kite dental. Want a refill on your psych meds? Kite mental health. (Did I mention medical and mental health are totally separate in prison? No psych here for me.) Then at the end of the visit, I have to "close the kite out" in the computer tracking system. I love how kite is both a noun and a verb, and a major pain to the nurses. I think it's very poetic to think of the inmates writing and sending kites. They could at least make them diamond shaped.

More prisonisms, including lockdowns and excerpts from the hilarious prison emails I receive, coming soon.