Spring PrisonBreak I

The Saudi Arabian military may have foiled my spring trip to Bahrain, but they didn't stop me from taking a epic roadtrip to my birth land in place of the Middle Eastern excursion. Matt and I stocked my car with camping gear, beach towels, and a cooler of diet coke, and set off west on a 10 day roadtrip. We spent two days at Zion National Park enjoying the dramatic canyons and awesome hiking. Instead of camping in the windy 30-50 degree weather, we opted for an extra night at the Zion Lodge. Matt, typically a hardy soul, even snubbed the Lodge's rustic "western cabin," opting for the "motel" room with a flat screen TV so he could watch the NCAA tournament. I was just happy to be warm. Save the camping for the summer!

We also ventured in the nearby town of Springdale, Utah for some bumbleberry pie at a sprawling complex containing a hotel, gift shop, bar, and theater. When forced to choose between a raucous St. Patrick's Day party and a slice of bumbleberry pie in the coffee shop with old people, I chose the pie. Future patrons, choose your a la mode flavor wisely.
Matt: "We'll take the 'giggle bush' ice cream with the pie."
Bumbleberry Sales Clerk: [firmly] "That's not ice cream. It's sherbert. And it doesn't complement the pie."
Me: "Uh...I guess we'll take the bumbleberry ice cream?"
BSC: "Good choice....I guess I shouldn't be so controlling..."

Anyone can read on a 5 ft sign in the store that a bumbleberry is a cross between a burpel and a binkel, grown on a giggle bush. http://www.bumbleberry.com/

American's Most Histrionic

There are times in prison when I feel like I'm on a new reality show called America's Most Histrionic. I have to remind myself to be patient with the dramatic wincing during gentle exam maneuvers and with the high volume of tears shed in my office. My first patient yesterday has been challenging to care for during our many visits. Aptly named, her last name is a synonym for "hit," and her chief complaint at our first visit was "punched the wall 20 times." This visit went fairly well; at least I didn't feel like punching a wall 20 times.

The drama continued out in the "yard" during the afternoon. Perhaps its the beautiful 75 degree weather or the fact that the entire campus is under construction to make it more disability friendly, but the ladies are a little testy. I was walking through the rubble to get back to the sidewalk when I witnessed and out and out brawl between two offenders in the grass during the evening medication line. It seemed like I was watching it in slow motion and thinking "hmmm...that's odd...are they fighting?!!!" I motioned to the guards, and another inmate broke up the fight. The ladies were then hand cuffed and likely taken to "the hole." Not a typical sight during my stroll across the yard. As they always say in prison emails, "be vigilant and stay safe."

I had my first prison nightmare last night. I was involved in some kind of theft and had to go to prison for 1 day. When I got there, they told me I had to stay for 5 days, and I was devastated. I woke up in a panic, thankful to be safe in La Quinta without a rap sheet.

Morse Watchman Keywatcher III

For those who can't keep track of their keys, consider installing the Morse Watchman Keywatcher III. A personal electronic code allows access to the box, which guards thousands of prison keys. I have not yet figured out what the massive 4 inch key above my set opens.

Elite Status

Exciting news in the land of hotel living....I got an email saying I am two stays away from reaching Elite Status at La Quinta. This includes such fabulous perks as bottles of water and craisins in my room, free upgrades to my king suite, and a 30% point bonus. Tara at the front desk said she knew I was getting close to upgrade my status from Gold to Elite. With my rewards programs and roller bag, I feel like George Clooney in "Up in the Air." (Although I definitely don't operate by his "let go of the baggage weighing you down, unload the backpack" motivational strategy. Never known for my light packing, I come in every week dragging at least 5-7 bags of weekly supplies. A girl's gotta eat, knit, and blog...)

Reason for Visit, Part I

A patient in prison or on the outside has to state a reason for the visit when making a doctor's appointment. This statement then gets transferred to the doctor's schedule to explain why the patient is being seen. Somehow this seemingly simple bit of information can be lost in translation and transformed into a bit of medical hilarity.

My favorite reason for visit in residency was "Patient says the emeralds you made her don't fit and she needs new ones." No, I actually wasn't carving gemstones or making jewelry in the exam room (although that sounds fun!) The emeralds were actually ear molds that my patient requested I help her make so she could send away for hearing aids. (She lived alone and her overweight and beloved service beagle, who came to nearly all of her visits over 3 years, couldn't help her with that task of daily living.)

My prison schedule has some equally amusing reasons for medical appointments including:

"I am really not trying to be a pain in the behind, but the pain in my knees overide it all."

"States 'insides' coming out. Was in reference to her vagina."

18 year old male:
"Complains of pain in his vulva."
(Apparently, he was told by some other teenage offenders that the proper term for pain in his left upper quadrant was his 'vulva.' Poor guy.)